I only hope these same people will accept and support me on my next television project, Albert Schweitzer Can Suck Me, in which I use my winning sense of humor to rip the famed humanitarian a new asshole.
Zulkey: Michael, according to the Page Six gossip columns, author Dave Eggers will simply refer to himself as “Dave” in the byline of his next book. How does it feel to have three times the name as him?
MIB: It only makes sense that I would have three times the name as Dave, since I am three times the man. Seriously, however you measure it, I am three times the man as that shit heel Dave Eggers. I’ve got three times the pecs, three times the delts, and three times the glutes. I could kick Dave “I’m brilliant” Eggers’ ass from here back to that crappy literary magazine from which he came. Dave, if you’re reading this, put up your dukes, fucker, because I’m going to rain pain on your backside.
From an interview with Stuff magazine:
Interviewer: Does your role as a gay guy in Wet Hot American Summer ever get you hit on by guys?
MIB: I do well with men. I think men like me because they assume I’m gay because I come off as kind of gay.
Interviewer: Does the wedding ring throw them off?
MIB: I don’t think it does. The fact that I’m oftentimes seen giving hand jobs reinforces the wrong impression that I’m gay. The obviously incorrect impression. I don’t know where they get that. It might be the fact that I’m often getting fucked in the ass. People tend to judge a book by its cover. Just because I’m giving you a BJ doesn’t mean I’m into dudes. That’s the furthest thing from my mind when I’m sucking you dry. I’m not into it, I’m doing it, but I’m not into it at all.
I asked Michael if we could interview him, and also why he thought so many people were finding kittenpants via the google search “Michael Ian Black gay.” His response:
Who is this ‘we’ you keep referring to? As in, ‘We’ll send you some questions.’ Your little rinky-dink web site is obviously the product of one person, you, and boasting of this immense staff is not going to fool or impress anybody. As far as the person who searches your site for ‘Michael Ian Black gay,’ that was me. Mystery solved.
The only reason [Michael Showalter] wanted to make the movie was so he could fucking be in it. He’s so fucking self-absorbed. He would have played all the parts if he could. He’s like Peter Sellers without the accent or the talent.